LIVED · LIKE · MURDER

on the 19th of this month i will turn 21.
i dont know if this is a milestone for me or if i should celebrate it at all
i dont really have any desire too
all of my birthdays have been trash
maybe ill get a new tattoo
thats enough celebration for me

i feel very restless lately
like there are a million things that i should be doing
but instead i just sleep it off
i sleep the stress away
but i cant sleep at night
by the time i nod off its almost 6 am
every morning
its not to say that im not exhausted
because i am
i just cant find the peace i need to fall asleep
its frustrating
my room my house my surroundings my life
messes
its all a mess

my job at Coach was seasonal and i was informed yesterday that i will be one of the girls
that they are keeping after the seasons over
im very happy
more than happy
im flowed
im glad to have a decent job that i wouldnt mind staying at for a long time
its no career path but it will do for now

the urge to go back to school is emense
i neeeevvverrrr thought that i would be saying this or even thinking it
but i feel like i need to
for my own sake
and for the sake of others
but im sure that as soon as i took the steps to go back
as soon as i got there id want to turn back around and runaway
i dont think i could take the pressure of school

i think the emptiness i feel is due to the absence of my friends in my life
i am never home
i dont have a cell
and i basically have cut the ties between me and everyone i used to know
and at first i thought i could do without but now i see that i cant
i feel completely alone
and what happens when im gone so long that they forget about me all together?

art and i are still together
i met him on july 29 2006
and nothing has ever been the same
and i mean that in the best and the worst possible way
am i just young and impossible?
am i nieve?
is this real?
i question myself more than i question him
am i wasting my time?
is this a dead end?
but i cant ever see myself with anyone but him
sure ive had my flings
my half ass relationships
but nothing has compared to him
i know we fight and i complain
but we are consumed with so much love for one another that it makes us crazy
and i know thats no excuse but thats the truth
i pray everyday that its lovers we'll stay

i miss cody
hes been sick lately
and just like my friends
i havent been able to find time to pay him as many visits as id like
it sucks

HE: whats it like to pretend to still love someone?

SHE: i think you may want to ask yourself that question

HE: i wish i never met you

SHE: i wish you never met me to, only because i wish you never had to feel such hatred towards another person, i mean.. to really wish you never met them. i wish you never had to feel so negative about another person.

HE: i dont love you i dont think i ever did

SHE: thats not news to me. the first morning i woke up next to you i knew that i could never look at the world the same after looking at it laying next to you, and with that, i knew i could never ever dream of being your world, but that morning you became mine.

HE: you lie! and i dont trust you, i dont want to marry you. i dont ever want to fucking marry you!

SHE: it breaks my heart to have to see us live at such odds. im sorry you feel this way and im sorry that i cant spend one more minute of my life trying to convince you that i love you. i have spent the last four years struggling with this, with you, none of my words can change what is already set in stone in your heart...

there was a long pause between them. one that held years of passion and hatred, jealousy and clarity, anger and frustration. the silence bottled it up and it exploded with her tears, his fists, the beer bottles, the cigarettes, the sidewalk, with the windows in the house back home and she couldnt help but want to fall on the floor and curl into a ball, sleep and never wake up again because she knew he wouldnt be there to wish her a good morning anymore. she knew he wouldnt be sitting next to her at the bar, wouldnt hold her face in his hands and swear he couldnt breathe without her. the love she had shaped herself around was walking out the front door, and words escaped her.

HE: lets stop living this lie... i dont want to feel this way anymore! i hate it, i hate this! im bored and im done with you.. your right maybe i am the one who doesnt love YOU! cause i can tell by the look in your eyes that you still love me, tears or no tears, words or no words, i know you well enough, and im breaking your heart right now.

SHE: observant and accurate, anything more you want to torture me with? maybe a few more accusations, or maybe confessions?

HE: your unbelievable and pathetic and i dont know why i was ever with you, fuck you.

SHE: well i think your lazy and worthless so well call it even?

HE: ive supported you and helped you but im worthless ok! get a real job!

SHE: you haven't done anything for me but drive me FUCKING INSANE!!!! you ruined me, everything you loved about me when we met you took from me. so take it all... all of my good and walk away with it, i dont want it back, but i loved you, ive always loved you and ill be god dammed if i let anyone ESPECIALLY YOU try to manipulate me into feeling like i havent. you are the craziest person ive ever met, you had it all and you never even noticed! and you let your fucking HEAD mess everything up! dont you see?!?! its ALL in your head!

HE: im not crazy! im right! your a whore thats all youve ever been to me just another bitch.. like the rest..

he smirked as if hed just won some epic battle, satisfied with the damage hed done, written all over her face, her body posture.

SHE: ok i give up when you realize the truth this time, i wont answer the phone so dont even bother.

HE: i wouldnt dream of it

SHE: we used to be so strong so put together, so solid now look at us, look at this mess weve made of it... ill never get over this.

HE:(laughing) i already have.

he turned to walk away and with no hesitation he was gone. she was alone and undone. still trapped in love. faceless in the crowd.

i have too many tattoos and i know its because i get them for free. so now i have to kick in my self control and stop. its hard. things with art are well. for now. and hopefully forever ive grown very tired of the fights and crying over nothing. its pointless really. we cant get rid of each other. weve tried. i think im going to work at Coach.. i love bags.

i havent written anything for months. on paper or in the sky or in anyone elses eyes. ive been mostly empty and hating every moment i have to spend with myself alone. ive become very aware of my surroundings and the people that are no longer in my life. everyday that i wake up this overwhelming feeling of disappointment consumes me and ends up destroying any chance of a decent day or a decent mood. i dont know if i should be worried, but i know that it isn't healthy, everything that i am doing is not healthy. i seem to be stuck in a rut, in a whole, a box, and ive lost the key to every single door. my naive dreams of love and lust and all that comes with romance have gone down the drain. i wonder if it is possible for two people to be happy and stay happy..together. that notion is getting harder and harder to hold onto. another question that has been burning a hole in my head is; is love ENOUGH? i mean.. really enough, enough to white out all the other negatives, all the other black spaces and dark alleys? is love enough to make someone ignore the bruises? or is love enough to make someone go? make someone leave? make someone break promise after promise. love to me is and has always been broken dishes on the kitchen floor. it is getting harder and harder to face the California sunshine and for once in my life im praying for the rain, for the clouds, for the cold and most importantly the comfort of home, the comfort of my parents eyes, not the disappointment ive recently been seeing in them. my brother moved out about a month ago. our relationship has completely recovered from the shipwreck it was in the last couple years. hes my best friend again and the older that we both become the more important i think we both realize we are to each other. i want to be able to write again to sit and really tare apart my thoughts and my mind and try to make sense of the mess ive made myself. its frustrating. so frustrating that i want to give up on myself. im about to explode from the pressure, and there is nothing more unattractive than a boy wearing eyeliner.

i deleted my myspace and this is the only thing that was worth saving........

juan

Date:
Oct 4, 2006 5:36 PM

Subject:

NEED UR # AGAIN LOST MY PHONE

Body:
HEY THERE SOUL MATE REMEMBR ME.I HATE THIS SHIT, I MADE A FUKEN MY SPACE A WHILE BAK JUST SO CAN GET A HOLD OF PEOPLE,AFANGULO, IF YOU STILL WANA TALK HIT ME UP: 562-2196836. AMORE MOLATO VIO.LOL.BABY YOU KNOW I LOVE U!

Once upon a time, there was Candy and Dan. Things were very hot that year. All the wax was melting in the trees. He would climb balconies, climb everywhere, do anything for her, oh Danny boy. Thousands of birds, the tiniest birds, adorned her hair. Everything was gold. One night the bed caught fire. He was handsome and a very good criminal. We lived on sunlight and chocolate bars. It was the afternoon of extravagant delight. Danny the daredevil. Candy went missing. The days last rays of sunshine cruise like sharks. I want to try it your way this time. You came into my life really fast and I liked it. We squelched in the mud of our joy. I was wet-thighed with surrender. Then there was a gap in things and the whole earth tilted. This is the business. This, is what we’re after. With you inside me comes the hatch of death. And perhaps I’ll simply never sleep again. The monster in the pool. We are a proper family now with cats and chickens and runner beans. Everywhere I looked. And sometimes I hate you. Friday — I didn’t mean that, mother of the blueness. Angel of the storm. Remember me in my opaqueness. You pointed at the sky, that one called Sirius or dog star, but on here on earth. Fly away sun. Ha ha ha you are so funny Dan. A vase of flowers by the bed. My bare blue knees at dawn. These ruffled sheets and you are gone and I am going too. I broke your head on the back of the bed but the baby he died in the morning. I gave him a name. His name was Thomas. Poor little god. His heart pounds like a voodoo drum.

SO
First off let me start off by announcing that I am 20 years old.
Followed up by... I want to have fun
Its a natural thing
To want to let loose and relax.
Not think about tomorrow
Live in the moment
Drink
Smoke
Be marry
I have not even begun to have all the fun I could.
Being with art has somewhat stopped me from totally being free and wasted
But I wouldn't have it any other way
So I still am more reserved than most 20 year olds due to my psycho boyfriend of how ever many years/break ups its been.
Last night me and a bunch of my friends met up at cinespace. People were buying me drinks I was having fun
I was happy but at the same time
I was trying to ignore the fact that art wasn't there with me.
I wasn't by any means trashed
I was having FUN
I have a strong personality and sometimes people take me, along with themselves, way to seriously.
so one of my co workers a male of corse
Informed someone that I got to wild and it was a huge turn off for him.
Ahem
News flash:
I'M NOT TRYING TO IMPRESS YOU OR ANYONE.
I have never been one to care what people think
I could have drank more
Could have gotten in a fight
Could have thrown up
Now that is wild and out of control.
Seriously
You only live once
Loosen up a bit.
And its my bestfriends birthday week.
Of corse I'm gonna do work.
So yeah
Shove your opinions up your ass.
If a girl with two drinks in hand isn't one of the most attractive things there is than I don't know what is.

This is my 2nd day post break up. And day by day I know its going to get harder. I never thought I'd see the day he'd turn his back on me. When "we" turns into "me". Separation is not an easy road. Especially when you've invested all of your emotions and time and most importantly your heart. I can honestly say with no shred of guilt I have never done wrong by him, not even close. I've consumed myself with commitment and loyalty and this is what I get in return. I get accused. of what? Cheating, does he not understand that he is the only person I've ever wanted the only one I need. Does he not understand that I'd pack up my life for him. After 3 something years, I never thought it would come to this. And it hits me in waves. I'm trying to be happy, and not fall apart in front of my friends, but ever so often it hits me, a moment we shared, a whisper, a glance, a laugh. And I fall to pieces. He is my heart and now that he's separated himself from me I feel empty. And I know I'm pathetic right now but this is no joke of a relationship. I've worked my ass off, I've changed my life style my attitude and myself. I've stuck around through simple and the struggle and its horrifying that it wasn't enough. This is going to hurt for a very long time. I feel like somethings missing. I'm faking as many smiles as I can but on the inside I'm dying. Things fall apart.

I recently went through everything I own and found a bunch of left over juan. Things he used to say scribbled on paper. His drawings, pictures. Things we had done. And I collapsed inside. I can't help but wonder how things could be. How it would be right now, today. If he was still around. This doesn't get easier. I learned that the hard way. It has not stopped hurting. I miss him so much with all that I have. And I would give anything. ANYTHING to have him back here with me. He never lets me forget about him, not that I ever could. Or would ever want to. Our picture fell on art in the middle of the night, what does that mean? Am I over reacting? with all the small coincidences that happen? But those kinds of small coincidences were what brought me and him so close together. Everything happens for a reason. What was the reason for him not ever coming back? What's the reason for all this? I need to know. I need answers to my questions. I can't shake this feeling.

"My first best friend, the girl with the long dark hair, walked away from me when I was 12 and again when I was on the verge of 20. No relationship had been through the same amount of brutality and lies and deceit and shit talking and middle finger waving as ours had. She was a beautiful person with loose lips that sunk us. I still don't know if it was just her hostility that made her walk away the second time, or if it was genuine sincerity. But she made her point known while she was walking away, the only one who didn't leave my life silently. I guess I can credit her for that. But at the same time, getting walked away from twice is something I never imagined enduring. If they want to be gone, why can't they just stay gone."<----- this is one of the most over dramatic and one sided documentations of a friendship i have ever read. when something is gone, its gone. it takes two baby. and i hope that you get all the closure that you need by trying to be such a wordsmith. good luck with that. You do not know what its like to really, absolutely lose someone, a real bestfriend, forever. I pray to god you never have to know that grief. And one more thing PLEASE do me a favor and STOP acting so damn innocent. I've never been perfect but neither have you. Fuck your self pity its pathetic.

my moms getting surgery tomorrow. shes scared and so am i. my mother is my wings. she makes me soar above a common bound. i love her for who she raised me to be and the person she supports.

cody is redoing my grandmothers house in monrovia and will reside there with his friend kate and i still dont get his room.

the move in with arthur is soon to come.
to be cont...

& later that night...

I'm not sure if this move is something that I want all though the distance is definitely something I don't. He's all I've had for awhile he puts up with my shit and I put up with his and its all out of love. We are NOT perfect and we have never claimed to be but who really is? I would greatly appreciate everyone if they would just stop judging us, stop trying to figure us out. It is what it is. Its love. And its by no means easy. But what comes easily never stays.

Lucy drives me crazy. I should have gotten a dog.

I don't like to go out anymore because I am broke and in debt and everytime I officially "go out" I feel guilty. I'm on an anti-spend mission for however long it takes. I can't move out without paying off my loans and getting back on my feet. Adjustments they need to be constructed.

I need more sleep I feel like my lack of it effects me more than I'd like to admit. Although I do love driving in the middle of the night singing jimmy eat world and forgetting about everything.. Sometimes I wish I could drive forever.. And never look back.

FACT OF THE DAY: Everyone has their own version of how things went and why they ended up the way they did.

I know my policy of not looking back. But lately it has been so hard not to. I look him in the face and the alcohol has ruined him. Its gotten to the point where I don't know how much more I can take. Its got him like I want him. And on countless occasions he has chosen it over me. I'm not talking a few drinks to make your head spin a little. I'm talking, not remembering anything the next day accompanied by throwing up endless amounts of blood. It is a health issue now. Physical and mental. I miss art. I miss who he used to be and he reassures me he's the same person, but he's not. I don't know him anymore. I really don't. I feel like I have to compete with the bar. it hurts me more than anything, to see the love of my life just tare himself up. And for what? Tell me what the point is? Make me understand. Because this.. This is why I'm leaving soon and never looking back. I hope all the alcohol in the world is worth it.

I am a huge void of negativity. I am needy and controlling. I cry when I'm mad and I cry when I get my feelings injured. Verbal abuse is something that I've shared a home with for many years. Verbal is the worst because no matter how many times you've been called something or told something all it takes is one new person to say it to you and its just like hearing it for the first time. I need solid I need a constant I need someone who needs me. I need someone who's need is me. Plain and simple. He's so deeply and sickly in love it makes him hate me. And look at me drown in my negativity. I have noone backing me up I have noone and nothing to fall back on. In truth without him, I'm completely alone. I've made the mistake of never planning ahead because I've been to weighted down by just-getting-by. I focus on today because tomorrow is overwhelming. I have a lot of embedded anger and pain, a lot or resentment that maybe I need to get help erasing. I'm not happy, and I don't know who else to apologize to for that. I bring him down, there's no way he's down here with me in this hole I've dug for myself. He's not on my level and I pray he never will be because noone needs to feel like this. I've pushed myself away from everyone in a desperate attempt at proving my capability of caring so much that..I actually TRY. Now I find that isolation is not what I expected and I miss renee. I was never for one second alone when I lived with her. I will endlessly be greatful to her for that year of my life and the support that came with it. I am not a bad person. I am a mess, I'm a wreck, I'm weak, I have plenty of growing up to do. I don't know everything, I hardly know much at all that has to do with anything but anger and frustration and what a waste, what a waste of time.

i want to start a book. i want to write. i want to be with art all the time. i know it sounds insane. but he is the only person that i do not get sick of. he makes me feel ok. like noone else. people say alot of things about me and people say alot about me and arthur. i dont care. im stressed and i dont know what i want when it comes to a career, or a specific path but i know that i want art.

random note:: i cheat when i play cards. ill admit that.